I'm so glad finals are over for this semester, ochem was kicking my trash. I studied for that class for so long, and I'm so disappointed I could not get it any better than I did. Although I feel like I learned a lot, the tests were just brutal.
I'm leaving for South Africa in a little over a week, and I'm terrified. But stoked at the same time... being back home it doesn't even feel like I'm going to leave it all. It's amazing and scary and overwhelming. But I know I can do it, and do it well. I just have to keep telling myself that. It's just scary.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Sunday, April 8, 2007
I have the greatest friends.
Everyday, I'm amazed at the truly amazing people that surround me. They lift me up, they make me tea when I'm having a crappy night, they support me when I am faltering. As me and Jess said our prayers last night and read scriptures together, I just could not believe how much I have been blessed- I have these awesome friends who I can't even believe put up with me, and not only do they put up with me they love me for it. They are so understanding, they laugh at my antics, they cuddle with me in response to my endless need for physical affection. Even my friends back home are awesome... even being 2000 miles away they still call and see how things are going, send me long facebook messages and share the amazing books they are reading, or come and visit me more than once (you would think after the first time, KK would have never wanted to come back!) I just forget sometimes how good everything is, especially when I'm PMSing like today...
In a MONTH, I'm going to be on a plane to London and then on to South Africa!! I'm so excited but also incredibly anxious- I have no fathomable idea what to expect, from the stories that Julie has told us, it is a completely different world down there, almost incomprehensible to anyone that has not experienced it firsthand. Racism is rampant, HIV is pervasive, people are dying left and right. It's going to be such an emotional rollarcoaster, working with women who are HIV-infected and have babies. I listened to a webstream with a young girl who was HIV-positive, and she carried around a recorder for a year and just talked about her life. I recommend listening to it: it's on npr.org, and the title is called Thembi's Story or something like that. It will make you laugh and cry, as cliche as that sounds. Anyways, as I listened to that I just thought about all the women I will meet who will be in her exact same situation. I was impressed with her eloquence and how she articulated her story to not only the parliament of South Africa but also to the world. I really appreciate her desire to live her life and not let HIV become who she is. Despite having a fatal disease, she has made the decision to not let it consume her. I think when I first started learning about the HIV pandemic, I was a little skeptical about those girls who chose to have a child in spite of having a deadly disease. I just did not know how I felt about bringing a life into their world knowing that you might not be there to raise it; however, the way Thembi described wanting something, someone to live for, it really and completely changed my mind, though I had been wavering about it for a while. I kind of thought about it for a long time afterwards, and even put myself in her position; I think being a mother and bearing children is a big thing I'm looking forward to in life (although not for a VERY VERY long time...), and I do not think I have any right to judge whether or not a woman should or should not take advantage of that privilege.
The closer it gets to finals, the closer it gets to us leaving. And though I'm usually wicked excited about going, a part of me gets that sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I get a little nervous too, like WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!?! I could be just going home and lounging around the pool all summer, instead I'm traveling halfway across the world to embark on probably the most challenging and life-changing three months of my life up to this point?? I don't know, I think a lot of it is anxiety of the unknown. I have no idea what to expect, despite all the knowledge I think I may have on South Africa, the way the people live, the politics, so on. What if the women think I'm intrusive and are not willing to share any information with me? I almost feel like I'm going to high school for the first time, all over again.... what if they don't like me? I guess it is just one of those feelings that is completely natural when going to live in a place you never imagined you would go. Part of me is scared of AIDS, I know so much about it yet it is so incredibly foreign to me. I think once I am there I will be engulfed in the whole experience and a lot of the anxiety will leave me, and it will be so nice having the other three there with me. I feel like we've become really close as a group, and I know we will continue to grow together as we experience all these things for the first time.
On another note, I watched the documentary Ghosts of Rwanda the other day in the back room at work; I was really glad no one came in because I think I cried through about three-fourths of it. It was a really powerful film, but yet it was also incredibly haunting. It's another one of those things where I sit back and think “Did that actually HAPPEN?!” Was I really dancing in my ballet recital or at the pool in my newest Limited Too bikini while these men, women, and children were being slaughtered with machetes for months?? Before I watched, I had a very limited knowledge base about the genocide in Rwanda, just from what I had heard and also from watching Hotel Rwanda, and I thought it happened over the course of a few days. I figured it all happened so fast that the UN and the United States could not put together a coalition efficiently enough to counterattack the Hutu extremist government; I had no idea that they just sat back and let it happen thinking they could not do anything about it because of what had happened in Somalia. And I can't believe the audacity Bill Clinton had to go their months later and look those people in the eyes and apologize for their “great loss” when he is quoted as saying that the only reason America meddles in foreign policy is for our direct benefit. And ahhhh, the way he talks just makes my skin crawl... I think that's the part of the documentary when I honestly wanted to throw up; it was just so unnerving to hear the politicians later say, sorry we couldn't help, sorry 800,000 people died. Oops. That honestly makes me sick to think that we have the abilities to do something and yet we don't; it kind of makes me wonder if that's not a slight reason that President Bush committed troops to Iraq, maybe to break the precedent of not meddling. However, I'm pretty convinced that we would not have gone to Iraq had it not been for some benefit to Americans, although now I'm sure we're in a terrible unanticipated quagmire. I know I don't understand a lot about politics, and I kind of wish I did so I could have a more extensive view of the world because I think a lot of things revolve around it. I'm really excited because I'm signed up for two classes in the fall (IAS 220 and one other I can't remember... something to do with international development) that I think I will take a lot out of, and just coming from South Africa, have a little to contribute. I am so interesting in knowing more, but I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to read about it with all my schoolwork too.
In a MONTH, I'm going to be on a plane to London and then on to South Africa!! I'm so excited but also incredibly anxious- I have no fathomable idea what to expect, from the stories that Julie has told us, it is a completely different world down there, almost incomprehensible to anyone that has not experienced it firsthand. Racism is rampant, HIV is pervasive, people are dying left and right. It's going to be such an emotional rollarcoaster, working with women who are HIV-infected and have babies. I listened to a webstream with a young girl who was HIV-positive, and she carried around a recorder for a year and just talked about her life. I recommend listening to it: it's on npr.org, and the title is called Thembi's Story or something like that. It will make you laugh and cry, as cliche as that sounds. Anyways, as I listened to that I just thought about all the women I will meet who will be in her exact same situation. I was impressed with her eloquence and how she articulated her story to not only the parliament of South Africa but also to the world. I really appreciate her desire to live her life and not let HIV become who she is. Despite having a fatal disease, she has made the decision to not let it consume her. I think when I first started learning about the HIV pandemic, I was a little skeptical about those girls who chose to have a child in spite of having a deadly disease. I just did not know how I felt about bringing a life into their world knowing that you might not be there to raise it; however, the way Thembi described wanting something, someone to live for, it really and completely changed my mind, though I had been wavering about it for a while. I kind of thought about it for a long time afterwards, and even put myself in her position; I think being a mother and bearing children is a big thing I'm looking forward to in life (although not for a VERY VERY long time...), and I do not think I have any right to judge whether or not a woman should or should not take advantage of that privilege.
The closer it gets to finals, the closer it gets to us leaving. And though I'm usually wicked excited about going, a part of me gets that sinking feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I get a little nervous too, like WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO!?! I could be just going home and lounging around the pool all summer, instead I'm traveling halfway across the world to embark on probably the most challenging and life-changing three months of my life up to this point?? I don't know, I think a lot of it is anxiety of the unknown. I have no idea what to expect, despite all the knowledge I think I may have on South Africa, the way the people live, the politics, so on. What if the women think I'm intrusive and are not willing to share any information with me? I almost feel like I'm going to high school for the first time, all over again.... what if they don't like me? I guess it is just one of those feelings that is completely natural when going to live in a place you never imagined you would go. Part of me is scared of AIDS, I know so much about it yet it is so incredibly foreign to me. I think once I am there I will be engulfed in the whole experience and a lot of the anxiety will leave me, and it will be so nice having the other three there with me. I feel like we've become really close as a group, and I know we will continue to grow together as we experience all these things for the first time.
On another note, I watched the documentary Ghosts of Rwanda the other day in the back room at work; I was really glad no one came in because I think I cried through about three-fourths of it. It was a really powerful film, but yet it was also incredibly haunting. It's another one of those things where I sit back and think “Did that actually HAPPEN?!” Was I really dancing in my ballet recital or at the pool in my newest Limited Too bikini while these men, women, and children were being slaughtered with machetes for months?? Before I watched, I had a very limited knowledge base about the genocide in Rwanda, just from what I had heard and also from watching Hotel Rwanda, and I thought it happened over the course of a few days. I figured it all happened so fast that the UN and the United States could not put together a coalition efficiently enough to counterattack the Hutu extremist government; I had no idea that they just sat back and let it happen thinking they could not do anything about it because of what had happened in Somalia. And I can't believe the audacity Bill Clinton had to go their months later and look those people in the eyes and apologize for their “great loss” when he is quoted as saying that the only reason America meddles in foreign policy is for our direct benefit. And ahhhh, the way he talks just makes my skin crawl... I think that's the part of the documentary when I honestly wanted to throw up; it was just so unnerving to hear the politicians later say, sorry we couldn't help, sorry 800,000 people died. Oops. That honestly makes me sick to think that we have the abilities to do something and yet we don't; it kind of makes me wonder if that's not a slight reason that President Bush committed troops to Iraq, maybe to break the precedent of not meddling. However, I'm pretty convinced that we would not have gone to Iraq had it not been for some benefit to Americans, although now I'm sure we're in a terrible unanticipated quagmire. I know I don't understand a lot about politics, and I kind of wish I did so I could have a more extensive view of the world because I think a lot of things revolve around it. I'm really excited because I'm signed up for two classes in the fall (IAS 220 and one other I can't remember... something to do with international development) that I think I will take a lot out of, and just coming from South Africa, have a little to contribute. I am so interesting in knowing more, but I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to read about it with all my schoolwork too.
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