Ani DiFranco and musings about life

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wrote a whole long post about the concert, then accidentally deleted it by 'navigating away from the page'. SO. Here's a carbon copy, hopefully.

Last night, my awesome friend Elisse and I went to our first ever Ani DiFranco concert!!! Thusfar, it was hands-down the best night of the summer for me. The night was perfect, the sunset was beautiful, and we spread out Elisse's gorgeous green quilt and sat on the grass, soaking up the lesbians and pot and liberating vibes. And the music was DIVINE. I don't know how to describe how cool Ani's voice is, how penetrating her lyrics are, or how she just talked to us like we were the best of friends. She rocks SO hardcore on her guitar, she had to super glue her pick to her fingers so it wouldn't slip! She sang a lot of her classic songs, like 32 Flavors and Both Hands and Not a Pretty Girl but she also threw some nice ones in about the ludicrous war and nuclear bombs and fallen patriarchy and the religious right. I've never felt such solidarity with a group of people. I felt like these people, though SO outwardly different than me in appearance and lifestyle really understood my inner spirit.

And... Elisse is SO COOL! I only wish that we had become friends years ago instead of meeting a few months ago. If only she wasn't running off and getting married, moving to NYC, and teaching those special education children in the poorest schools in the country. GEEZ. Nonetheless, it was a fabulous last hurrah bachelorette party before she ties the knot and says goodbye to this stage of her life. What a better way to do that than to express your inner righteous babe among a crowd of people that feel the same way. I love women. I love feeling so feminine and empowered. It is a really hot feeling. There is nothing like being indepedent and liberated and educated and ready to tackle the world. There is something so powerful about this generation of girls... or maybe it is just the age we are at right now, but I think of as the crusaders. At least I'm on a crusade to get rid of the repressive gender roles our society inflicts upon us. So I'm not going to wear make-up every day and do my hair and wear high heels and be a stay-at-home mom and take my husband's last name. WHATEVERRRRRRRRR. That does not make me a bad female! Our society is so concerned with the petty socially-constructed gender roles that we forget about the big picture. There are individual circumstances and personalities and quirks that are so difficult to express in so-called 'normal' ways because we are so strictly defined in our roles.

Being at that concert made me think a lot about my role in the world. Obviously, I'm not a hardcore, pot-smoking, lesbian. And I'm not like some of my friends who are suburban Mormon housewives (and I don't see anything at all wrong with either lifestyle. It's personal agency, as long as you are not pushed into the roles by society and it's a choice, I'm fully supportive of whatever lifestyle you choose to live, within reason of course). But I think I'm prepared to create a happy medium for myself. Yes, I want to get married. I have strong maternal instincts and am super anxious to be a mother. But I also want to still be able to be a feminist and tkae my little girls to Ani concerts and teach them there is NOTHING they can not do with their lives and they can be whoever they want. I want to try SO hard to not push roles on them and create their lives for them. Sometimes I look back on my life and realize just how much of it was planned out for me, my mother forcing me into roles in which I did not want to play the part. I wanted her approval along with everyone else's surrounding me, but it was not who I really was. And I was utterly miserable and went through a long period where I was depressed and anxious and just generally unhappy. I knew I was different from those little blonde rich girls that I was always made to be friends with when I was little, but to me different was wrong and bad. I wanted more than anything to be like them and fit in and not have wild and crazy curly red hair, not be so darn smart and bookish or loud and brutally honest. And no matter the birthday parties I was invited to or the fact our moms schemed to put us in the same classes (I still remember going to look at our class lists and my mom making sure that I was in a "white" class with other little preppy white girls. I probably didn't react to it then, but it makes me absolutely ill now), I never had any real friends until the end of high school and perhaps save a few individuals, I may not have had any real friends until college. I'm so grateful I truly found who I really am and I am SO happy with the woman I have become. I love that I surround myself with people who I don't have to pretend around. I can say what comes to my mind and my crazy thoughts and ideas and act like myself without worrying about people thinking I'm weird. Because we're all weird! So thanks college friends (especially Elisse for going to see Ani with me!). You've made me into the person I truly love. And I think last night just helped reaffirm that to me.